Day Four

2:40am

Well, tomorrow is the viewing. My anxiety was so horrible today. I just had this overwhelming fear looming over me. Pair that with my extreme need to just lock myself away for a few days… Let’s just say today was hard.

Then again, everyday this week has been hard. Every second has seemed to drag on for hours. I’ve never felt more isolated and down.

Meanwhile the rest of the world goes on, as it should. It’s selfish to want things to just pause to give you the time you need to recover.

Eventually I’m going to have to go back to work. I’ll put on my uniform and try to fake a happy face while standing in the place you used to stand. I wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for you. I’m so extremely grateful for how supportive everyone at work has been. But I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle working there now.

I just feel so hopeless. I don’t know how to handle the fact that you aren’t here. I’ve tried to stay in my own bubble as much as possible this week. I’ve watched endless hours of mind numbing TV, trying to escape everything.

Just came across a song, mid sentence that fits everything that I’m feeling right now

Everything is lost
And this nightmare’s closing in
Everything is lost
There’s a sorrow beneath my skin
This is the end of me

Everything Is Lost – Maggie Eckford

I know a part of this is the depression monster rearing his ugly head. It’s kind of like having a visitor. Like someone you don’t really like just shows up at your door. And of course you invite them in, because you can’t be rude, but you don’t really enjoy being around them. A part of you is comforted by the companionship, or the familiarity of it.

That’s how I feel about the 2 monsters that follow me around. I certainly don’t enjoy them, but they’re familiar to me.

I’m kind of scared about how Zoloft will affect that. I know it sounds dumb, maybe even a little morbid, but I feel like my anxiety and depression are part of who I am. Kicking them out just leaves me alone.

Who knows. Maybe that’s just them manipulating my thoughts to make me think I’ll miss them. I’m a lot more messed up than what I show to everyone else.

I miss you so much….