Day One

Its now been two full days that you’ve been gone. I still can’t accept it. I keep waiting for you to walk through the door or to text me that you’re hungry.

I haven’t cried as much today. I guess that’s good.

Finally went to the doctor yesterday. I sort of hate it but they started me on Zoloft to help with the anxiety and depression. I also have a pill to take in the case of a panic attack that I can’t shake.

Adjusting to the medicine has been interesting so far. I’ve only taken 2 doses but there have been some effects. I was pretty dizzy all day today. Every time I stood up it was like a whirlwind. Major loss of appetite all day today as well.

I really wanted to hide from the world today. I did for the most part, but I was pushed out of my area a few times. I know it’s not the greatest coping mechanism but it’s mine and it’s working for now. Maybe I’ll have some better luck closing the world out tomorrow.

Got a little bit more sleep last night, which is good because I really needed it. But yet here I am now at 2am…sleepy but sleepless.

I wanted somewhere to get out all my thoughts. We were kind of the same in that we never really talked about things that bothered us. I guess I’ll have to start talking when I start therapy (yeah, that’s a thing now).

Another interesting effect of the Zoloft is dilated pupils. I was wondering why my eyes felt so odd, then I saw it when I looked in the mirror.

Mom and Dad are holding it together. They’re really focused on getting everything done right now, which I get. I think that’s their way of handling it. I’ve been trying not to snap at them for talking about all of it in front of me. I know they just want me to be informed but it’s easier to be shut off from it.

H has been absolutely incredible, and as usual, I think I would be totally lost without her.

I still do feel that though, lost. Numb. I guess that will be the new normal for a while.

I miss you so much. It hurts to think about you. I lost it when dad brought your car home yesterday. I hope that feeling gets more manageable. I feel like there is a huge crater or void in me.

Okay. I guess this enough rambling for tonight.

I love you.