Since this blog is taking a new direction, I thought it would only be appropriate to change some things. Update the look, the title, and what nots.
I’d like for this to be something that I can look at when I’m feeling really down or even when I just want to remember things. I want it to exist as a journal/scrapbook but in letter form.
This is all just thinking out loud really. I feel like it may be helpful.
One way to find out…
Somehow its been a year. Although it seemed at the beginning like time had stopped, now its like things are on fast forward. As usual my goals for this blog were bigger than what I could accomplish. You would think that I know myself well enough at this point to not stretch myself out so far and end up not getting all the things I said I would done, but no. Enough about that though.
I’m sitting in my room, the room that used to be yours, its 3:30am and I can’t seem to sleep. I started thinking, as I always do, about what you would say to me right now. About different things. About how work is going. About why I’m still awake. About the fact that I went to London. Just about life in general. I talk to you all the time so I’m sure you’ve heard it all but talking just isn’t cutting it for me anymore. I want something physical to remember our (imagined) conversations.
That’s why I’m here. I’m not going to commit to a certain number or anything because conversations are countless. So here goes nothing..
Dear Josh,
All the things I was thinking just left my head. Deep breath. Ok. Trying again.
Its redundant to say at this point but I miss you. So much has happened. I can’t even begin to explain it all at once, but we can start it I guess, if you’re willing to listen.
London. Holy crap. I went to London. It feels like some sort of dream. The entire trip was just a surreal experience. 8 hours on a plane. My first trip overseas and without someone that I knew very well. My first time being gone so long (almost 3 weeks!). There were so many experiences. My head couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that London was a real place and not just some fantasy destination like I had always dreamed of it. It was so incredible. You would have loved the food. So many different things to choose from. I tried Indian for the first time. Despite my usual unwillingness to try new things I just went for it. And boy were you right about me missing out. They had a cheese cafe that had your name written all over it. I couldn’t convince anyone to go with me this time but I am hoping for and planning another visit. I got to push my cart through Platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross station. Then we went to Scotland for a few days. I had my first taste of authentic scotch whisky. Amazing. Scotland is such a beautiful place. The only thing that I know you would hate about London and Edinburgh is how crowded it is. Edinburgh was less crowded than London when you weren’t in the really touristy attractions.
Dad is doing good. I know he misses you too. We also have another guest living in the house. He is a fur guest and was snuck into the house in January and is still here. *smirk* His name is Milo and even though dad will never admit it, I think he kinda loves him. Milo is such a sweet, loving boy. You would adore him. He always just wants to be near you and get love. He’s been a great companion around here.
Mom is also doing okay. Things between us are better than they were though still a bit rocky. Only because of F though. I think there is just always going to be that sense of weirdness between us when it comes to him.
As usual, talking to you has made me feel better. Nothing too deep here but then, I never really needed to let out 20 billion things when we talked. It was the small stuff that added up. I know this isn’t much of a first conversation but I’m actually feeling kind of tired now.
I’m going to go find some sleep. I hope you do the same. I miss you. Talk soon.
I love you always.
2:16am
My head is splitting.
I haven’t slept more than 20 hours in the past 6 days.
Faking that I am okay is becoming too exhausting to continue.
I’m just tired.
I relapsed today. It’s been so long since I last self-harmed. I hate even seeing the words. But I just broke today. Everything has been too much and I wanted relief. That’s the path my brain decided to take to get there.
I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just want a break. A break from pretending. A break from the sadness, from the anxiety. That’s all.
Mom and I haven’t talked since the thing with him happened. Her choice. Glad to know that he can undo all the years of us being close in a matter of months.
Dad just keeps saying sorry. He’s sorry that I can’t sleep. He’s sorry that I’m alone so much. He’s just sorry.
I don’t want to make him feel bad, I really don’t, but I can’t lie anymore.
I just feel stuck. Stuck in an endless misery.
I feel like there are two types of people in this world, Rossi. The ones that get over their grief and move on, and the ones that descend into some sort of endless misery.- Dr. Spencer Reid
4:59am
I am completely and utterly exhausted.
I haven’t been sleeping much for the past 2 weeks now and its really starting to take its toll on me.
My eyes are so heavy and ready to close but I can’t seem to find the stop button on my thoughts so I can actually fall asleep.
So I sit here. Mindlessly watch Criminal Minds. Try meditation videos from YouTube. Count sheep. Everything I can possibly think to do and yet…here I sit. Exhausted and unable to sleep.
The panic attacks are starting to flare up again. Each one seems to be longer than the last; they are probably about the same length though. After I’ve pulled myself out of them these past few times I can’t help but think how much help a dog would provide me.
I met a service dog in training at work today and had a pretty long talk with the trainer. Coincidentally the dog was being trained for her client with a severe panic disorder and major depressive disorder. My symptoms are not nearly as severe as these two disorders but we talked about how the dog is trained to alert to panic attacks and use a technique called ‘deep pressure therapy’ to help ground the owner during/after an attack.
I know everyone has different experiences when it comes to panic attacks/anxiety.
Anxiety for me isn’t rocking back and forth or being noticeably distressed. It’s a sudden increase in heart rate. My chest feels like it’s going to explode. Breathing becomes a thought instead of an automatic action. Thankfully I am usually at home when I get them, but not always. At work I have to go to the bathroom, gently pat some cold water on my face, and try grounding myself in the moment. At home, however, it’s harder to do that.
I am alone a lot more than I used to be. With the hours that dad works, and you being gone, it’s pretty quiet at home. So when I have these panic attacks at home, I tend to just disassociate myself from everything. It sounds crazy but the feeling is almost like an out of body experience. Like I am watching myself go through this and walk myself through getting out of that moment.
I also feel like having a dog around would reduce the anxiety in general and maybe even make me feel genuinely happy for the first time in what seems like forever.
This is all just rambling though. AJ gave the official no to me having an animal here. I started doing research today about obtaining an actual service dog instead of just an emotional support dog. The only problem is the expenses required to send a dog through specific training. The closest school to me is still 4 hours away and is over $8,000 for the cheapest option which wouldn’t include travel expenses or anything else. I would be willing to do the owner trained service dog but the problem with that is he wouldn’t be certified yet so technically I wouldn’t have somewhere to live with him while training.
I don’t know. As stated before, this is just rambling. It probably won’t happen. Why should he care how miserable I am, right?
After all, the best cure is to just “get over it”….
*A draft that has been sitting here waiting to be posted its unfinished but honestly I just haven’t had the motivation to finish it*
Today was hard.
It was the first family get together without you.
I thought I would be okay for the most part. I knew the small waves of sadness would hit me a few times but I thought I’d at least have the support of mom to help me through that.
But that was not the case at all.
Of course she was a “we” today…she brought him to the cookout.
And she didn’t really help matters by wearing your hat.
You were the person who helped me through these types of things. I’m not exactly the most social person and I tend to shut myself off from people when I’m feeling overwhelmed. At least with you around I had someone I felt comfortable talking to when all I wanted was to shut down. You and I were a lot alike in that way though. Both kind of loners at big events.
All of these things just came at me at once today. This sounds so stupid but the absolute breaking point was mom looking at the open seat right across from me and choosing a completely different table instead, with him of course.
Been kind of lost in the craziness of life recently.
I find that I lose myself more easily in the hustle of day to day activities.
Maybe losing myself isn’t the right term…It’s more like an autopilot mode that my brain uses as its defense.
At work I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be. Cheerful. Helpful. Welcoming. Laughing along with co-workers.
It’s not all completely fake.. I do genuinely laugh and smile sometimes.
Some days its harder to fake though.
My days aren’t so much like a roller-coaster anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m really glad I decided to actually take the meds this time.
Sure. It hasn’t completely solved everything. Then again, I didn’t expect it to.
The Zoloft was doing really well for the depression but wasn’t really touching the anxiety, which is honestly the worst part for me. So at my 6 week check up we added Buspar to the mix. Starting with 20mg for the first week and just today bumping up to taking it twice a day, equaling out to 40mg a day.
The waves of grief aren’t as big and often anymore. More like a small wave washing up on the shore and the end of the day to remind me of the missing part of me.
It’s crazy how much I miss you. I would give anything to talk to you one more time. Or to hear you call my name to show me some silly video game video or moment.
I keep having these dreams that you’re back and you’re okay. The one I had last night was everything I miss about you. You were in your room playing video games and you texted me that you were hungry. So of course I came in there and we had a way too long discussion about where to go and get food, eventually deciding on Moe’s..because it was our favorite place.
In another one a few nights ago you were really angry with me because I got the iPhone before you could. Its so silly…but it hurt so much.
It all still hurts like it was just yesterday.
I got the tattoo done that I wanted for you. The tattoo artist copied you’re signature perfectly. The Phoenix feather is for the tattoo you wanted but weren’t able to get. The birds flying away at the end of it are to show you being free now.
I’m kind of out of things to say here.
I need to get back to writing again. It’s nice to let all of these thoughts out. Even if they are just going into the great unknown of cyberspace.
I love you. ♥
3:13am
I’ve yawned 5 times in the past 2 minutes…and yet I can’t fall asleep.
Not like I did anything that would warrant me being tired tonight. I was home alone all day today. Mom stopped by for a few minutes to bring drinks but then she had to rush off to be with F.
I didn’t do anything productive really. I practiced the flute a little. Mostly just laid around playing the fun ‘block/ignore any and all thoughts’ game.
Yeah yeah… I shouldn’t be doing that. But I think we all know by now that I’m not the best at coping mechanisms.
I can’t believe it’s been over a week that you’ve been gone. Every minute, every hour has seemed longer. I feel like I’m being over-dramatic for thinking that but it’s true.
Geez. All these thoughts in my head and this is all I can manage to get out.
Alright. Waving the white flag for tonight then.
I miss you bro. ❤
1:59 am
I made it. It was probably the hardest two days I’ve ever had, but I made it.
The wake was the worst. Mostly because it was a very social event with every person coming up and using the same cliché phrases;
“How are you?”
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through”
“Parents shouldn’t have to bury their children”
“If you need anything let us know.”
I know they mean well, I do. But at the same time how genuine can you honestly be in that situation. You definitely don’t want to know how I really feel. It’d probably be over an hour long talk with mostly sobbing and probably some ever popular word vomit.
As far as needing anything, the only thing I think we really need is time, and no one can give that to us. We all have to go back to work. Maintain relationships with friends and other family throughout the grieving process. Basically a whole lot of stuff that usually is pretty easy but now takes more energy than I have to give.
I keep getting this false sense of acceptance. Like my brain decides one minute that it has come to terms that I can’t just knock on your door or text you about my crappy day. Then a few seconds later, my brain stops to think that through and decides to hit me with an overwhelming sadness.
I’m hoping to start therapy sometime next week. I also have to go back to work next week. I told them to start out that I only wanted to work a few days during the week on morning shift while everyone was there. Granted, that makes me feel very guilty and needy but at the same time, it’s going to be hard enough muddling through normal life again, and being there, without you, it’s going to be a big challenge.
Nothing really happening on the Zoloft front. I’ve taken it at basically the same time every night. No new side effects have come up. My pupils still get kind of dilated after taking it but it clears up relatively quickly. I haven’t noticed any improvements yet. Its only been a week, so I wasn’t expecting them. I just hope they come soon.
I’ve been pretty good about keeping up a “I’m doing okay” charade, both in answers to questions and in characters. I’ve been out twice now. Once to a baseball game and the next out to dinner. Keeping up with the chatter and conversations was challenging. There were a few moments where I spaced out of the conversation and had to pull myself back into it. But hey, cheers to my new normal I guess.
2:40am
Well, tomorrow is the viewing. My anxiety was so horrible today. I just had this overwhelming fear looming over me. Pair that with my extreme need to just lock myself away for a few days… Let’s just say today was hard.
Then again, everyday this week has been hard. Every second has seemed to drag on for hours. I’ve never felt more isolated and down.
Meanwhile the rest of the world goes on, as it should. It’s selfish to want things to just pause to give you the time you need to recover.
Eventually I’m going to have to go back to work. I’ll put on my uniform and try to fake a happy face while standing in the place you used to stand. I wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for you. I’m so extremely grateful for how supportive everyone at work has been. But I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle working there now.
I just feel so hopeless. I don’t know how to handle the fact that you aren’t here. I’ve tried to stay in my own bubble as much as possible this week. I’ve watched endless hours of mind numbing TV, trying to escape everything.
Just came across a song, mid sentence that fits everything that I’m feeling right now
Everything is lost
And this nightmare’s closing in
Everything is lost
There’s a sorrow beneath my skin
This is the end of meEverything Is Lost – Maggie Eckford
I know a part of this is the depression monster rearing his ugly head. It’s kind of like having a visitor. Like someone you don’t really like just shows up at your door. And of course you invite them in, because you can’t be rude, but you don’t really enjoy being around them. A part of you is comforted by the companionship, or the familiarity of it.
That’s how I feel about the 2 monsters that follow me around. I certainly don’t enjoy them, but they’re familiar to me.
I’m kind of scared about how Zoloft will affect that. I know it sounds dumb, maybe even a little morbid, but I feel like my anxiety and depression are part of who I am. Kicking them out just leaves me alone.
Who knows. Maybe that’s just them manipulating my thoughts to make me think I’ll miss them. I’m a lot more messed up than what I show to everyone else.
I miss you so much….
1:31 am
I cleaned almost all day yesterday. The whole house is almost sparkling at this point. My motivation was knowing that AJ was coming over so we could discuss an ESA.
However, all the positive energy I spent on that really came back to bite me afterwards.
I didn’t think it was going to be easy to do. I mean I let out a lot of very personal information about what I’ve been going through and everything. It also doesn’t help that I just really dislike him, but that’s neither here nor there I guess.
After the meeting came the first breakdown I’ve had since Wednesday. It was a lot more intense, and lasted longer too. Probably because I have been focusing so much on the possibility of having a dog to help me through all this, that when he gave me the negative feedback that he did, it just broke that small glimmer of hope that I had.
By all technicalities he didn’t say no, but at the same time he didn’t say yes and judging by his responses, it’s looking pretty grim.
For the most part I think I’m still in denial about the full situation. I’ve had a few moments where I saw something funny online and wanted to come and share it with you. I don’t think those little things will go away anytime soon. But I wish they would.
I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I want to cry more, but it’s like there are no more tears left. But at the same time I just want the sadness to go away.
As far as the medicine goes, I still haven’t felt any effect of the Zoloft. The side effects are mostly gone. I still don’t really have much of an appetite but that could be unrelated, I honestly don’t know. I just want some relief.
The anxiety monster is screaming right now. Words to describe the exact feeling are escaping me right now. It’s almost like my heart is skipping every few beats or like my body is almost buzzing. That sounds weird; feels weirder.
I guess I’ll stop this here. Maybe I’ll find some relief if I lay down. Who knows..
Letters to My Brother 